Oh so awkward. First date in almost 13 years and remembering how much you hated dating back then. But here you are, trying to be on “good behavior” but also be yourself. You know how you are. You know how you think and feel. You know that you can be over analytical and extremely critical. You know how impactful 1st impressions are and the need to keep it light. Trying not to divulge too much information you look for that chemistry; look for a “spark”. You don’t feel anything but don’t know how long to give before walking away saying “See ya later, catch ya on the flip side!”?
Then it hits you. Are you really ready for this? You’ve been single for ten months and felt you used that time wisely to “heal”, to “get in touch with you and what you want” not just from a mate but from life. Suddenly it feels like you are forcing yourself into the dating world. Why? Are you sincerely ready to open yourself up to a stranger in hopes of making a lasting connection? Your brain doesn’t stop and suddenly you’ve cancelled that second date offer. He seems like a nice guy, like he has all his ducks in a row and has a lot to offer a gal. But you can’t let go of your life preserver; you can’t let go of the side of the pool.
When is it the right time to start dating after a divorce/break up? How do you know if you’re ready or not? Why doesn’t it feel right after ten months of soul searching and self improvement?
I give myself kudos for trying AND recognizing that I’m not ready to get back in the pool for a swim. But my heart hurts. At my time that has passed alone; At my time spent in a lonely roommate like marriage: At the knowledge that my ex had absolutely no problems jumping back into the swimming pool after our failed marriage and has already moving in with his “new woman”.
In hopes of helping myself feel more at peace, I remind myself that he is accountable for his life and I am accountable for my life. I know where my faults lie and what I must work at to be a better person for this world (and hopefully a better woman for a future spouse). But I still struggle letting go of the knowledge that he will NEVER acknowledge his part in our failed marriage. I will never get an apology for the lies and secrets. Once again I am left holding the bag of blame and fault.
But that’s ok. Holding it is helping me become a stronger woman and more determined to make better choices for my life.