I vaguely remember a time when I wouldn’t shut up. I’d just chat away at whatever was on my brain, to whomever was willing to listen, for hours on end. But lately I’ve had a loss for words. When there are words, they are a jumbled mess and I struggle to make a complete, coherent sentence.
I imagine some of the “issue” is age. I’m at a point in my life where it’s “say what you need to and move on”. Some of the “issue” is depression. Who wouldn’t be sad when the one person you/I confided EVERYTHING to has passed? Someone who can’t be replaced nor do I have a desire to try and replace. She was my end all be all; my ride or die buddy.
But gratefully life goes on. One day at a time. Maybe God will grant me a new, different ride or die buddy?
Anyhow, I recently made a secret vow to the universe to always do my best to make her proud. It isn’t that my birth parents don’t deserve that “vow”; it’s just that my step mom was “the one”. I so wish I could communicate correctly the difference. Maybe I can…if you’re willing to bare with me.
My 1st mom (birth mom) died when I was 25. I was “just” becoming an adult. Just “gettin it”; the adulting thing. Growing up I always knew my mom was an amazing being. Patient, kind, fair, beautiful…just to name a few. I could talk to her about small things but not the nitty gritty of what was going on in my brain. I never got to the “point” where I felt comfortable really opening up with her. When we lost her I was devastated on so many levels. I also knew we would never get to “that” place (a place like mom 2 ad I found) and carried that guilt for years.
My father and I had a challenging relationship. Growing up he was the disciplinary, the iron fist, the military drill instructor. He also had an issue with alcohol and anger. Fond memories were sparse. After my 1st mom passed we still struggled but had a relationship because I put forth the effort. Although visits to his and my 2nd moms house would start with anxiety, they would end with ease. My 2nd mom had a lot to do with that. When dad was diagnosed with cancer our relationship grew strong and I am sure he was as grateful for our time together as I was. He was able to grasp how much like him I was, what a great woman I was becoming. I was able to forgive and understand that he did the best parenting job he could, with the tools he had. Both my parents did.
For the last 3 1/2 years after dad passed it was just 2nd mom and I. Each visit I spent mainly with her, rarely with step family. This was by choice. I knew I wouldn’t have her forever and wanted her all to myself. I wanted to comfort her, nurture her, love her, spoil her. Call me selfish but I do NOT regret my decision.
After my divorce (1 1/2 yrs after dad passed) she was my rock. We would have the most amazing talks; often just me talking to her about life. She would listen and share wisdom. When we weren’t chatting we were laughing at our Hallmark movie or napping. I swear it was the best time ever!!
I NEVER felt judged by my 2nd mom. I KNEW she loved me as I was. She saw past I what I felt were flaws and rarely got after me when I was groucie (She was ALWAYS happy-just like mom 1). I beacme comfortable in my own skin with her. She would write the most wonderful notes in her cards to me…notes about what a blessing I was to her and how grateful she was to have me. I was grateful too and showed her my gratitude best I could. I don’t have to guess whether or not she knew how much I loved her like I felt I had to guess with mom 1 and my dad; I know she knows how much I loved her.
And maybe that’s why it’s so important to me to vow to continue to make her proud? To not sit at home ALL the time, to occasionally go out and socialize a lil bit. To continue nurturing my relationships with me step family (amazing peeps by the way; AMAZING). To remember my strengths rather that what I view as faults.
Love you mom!!
49 DJR 17