Love of Life

I don’t know where to start…I’m uncertain of what to do.  Continuously striving for more. But more of what? No longer content on merely “existing” but again; what to do?

I’ve done a lot of reflecting, especially lately. The last four and a half years have been challenging with (up until six months ago) very little time focus on my life. Hell, for the last 16 years I’ve allowed others needs/desires to dictate my actions with my life decisions if I’m going to be honest.

And now I’m alone.

With no others around to care for I’m finding I have a lot of time on my hands.  Thank heavens I love my own company! But more often than not I find myself asking questions.  What do I want to do with the rest of my life? What is my passion? What can I do today that will help alleviate my occasional feeling of “just existing”?

Life is short, who the hell simply wants to just exist? Pre marriage I was a doer, take life by the balls and run kinda gal.  And now, not so much.  These days I feel limited. My confidence has been shaken to the core. As diligently as I am working to be and become a better version of me, some days I still struggle. I feel as if I still can’t get off this island.

I can’t blame “well I have two dogs to consider…can’t just leave them home alone while I go do whatever.” And truthfully laying blame is fruitless.  Life just doesn’t seem the same as it once was. And honestly life is NOT the same as it once was. I have different life questions. Different life circumstances. Different desires.

Gone are the days of working up the corporate latter. Gone are the days of raising my own family. Gone are the days of wanting to be like the Jone’s.

Life now is about being happy, healthy, confident, fun, fearless, simple, drama free: to name a few. I want to express myself artistically; to be a better version of myself so that I can spread joy, compassion, understanding to others; to each night as i drift off to sleep be at peace knowing I am doing the best I can for my life (because me being at peace with my life helps bring peace to all those I come in contact with).

But a lot of my brain activity is about how badly I want “him” (and “us”). How I want to share this amazing journey with “him”.

To feel that magical connection with him that can’t be explained. To have those endless, often philosophical, conversations with him about what feels important to each of us. To laugh together at those corny jokes that only we understand. To experience that “fills my body and soul with so much love for another” feeling. To know the comfort of waking in the middle of the night (like most pre menapausal women do) and seeing the love of my life peacefully sleeping NEXT TO ME.

If you are one to believe in Law of Attraction you would agree that putting too much focus on what you want AND the feeling of the void of not having it, keeps it at bay.

But I don’t know how to stop thinking of the void, to let “void” go, and let “him” come to me?

So funny because couple of years ago (2016) my mantra was “happy, healthy, confident” (HHC); which is who I have become. Not much thought into that because I would (and still) do each day something positive to lead me down that road.  Last year (2017) I added “fun and fearless” (FF) to that mantra. And I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone to add that to who I am.

But him. While pursuing a HHCFF life best I can, I too often wonder where the FUCK is he? LOL

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