Keeping a positive mindset used to come so easily for me. I was once a fearless, fun, adventurous, happy gal…
…Then I met my ex husband and that changed for a while.
I am mindful that it takes two people to have a happy, fulfilling marriage. Three if you put God at the center of your marriage. I rarely speak ill of my ex-husband because he isn’t a bad guy; he was just bad for me.
The man I fell in love with appeared to enjoy (and appreciate) my presence in his life, he seemed to be financially intelligent, a hard worker, and loved his mom. I ignored red flags that would pop up (or make excuses for them) and focused on the outward appearances.
SHOCKER-Some of those appearances were just that; appearances. By the time I asked for a divorce I was sad, fearful, anxious, and felt like a failure (to name a few).
I’ve come so far in the last three years. I’ve found some confidence, I’ve rediscovered my playfulness, I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally, and I am finding that everything I want I can have. I’m am very happy with my life and grateful for the abundance of all I have.
But three years later I am still guarded with my happiness, fearful, anxious, and feel like a failure as it pertains to relationships. Communication is one area in my life I need to work on but when I am around men, potential dates, I clam up. I feel like what I have to say isn’t important and it doesn’t help that small talk is not my forte. My biggest hurdle as it pertains to relationships is that I have little faith that someone can (and will) love and appreciate me for who I am.
I don’t know how to release these fears. It seems so much easier to live in my own little world and avoid dating. But living this way can sometimes feel lonely.
I’ve tried speed dating and an online dating site. Seems so unnatural and like I am trying to force a connection for the most part. Attempting to be myself while engaging another in a conversation. Attempting to find common interests while holding on to my individuality. So much more challenging now in my late 40’s.
I wish I could just put wanting a companion out of my mind and completely appreciate where I am in life. Continue to explore life and all the opportunities available to me. When wanting hits I try to stay optimistic. I remind myself the that there is someone for everyone and that my time will come. And that he will be as grateful as I that we found each other.