Staying certain in an uncertain time…?

I’ll be honest; I got no fckin clue these days. And I’m not sure I can “blame” my uncertainty on Covid.

Beginning of the year I was seeking advice on a legal issue, having anxiety about the affect of the legal issue on relationships with step-family, and debating on entering the dating world (“because it was time”).

Then mid March Covid came to light. Restrictions went into affect and I had an over abundance to alone time. In a weird way I was grateful for the restrictions Covid was having on MY life. November 2019 it was made very clear to me that I needed to reevaluate my priorities and why I STILL was putting others before myself. With the restrictions and the fact I still was going to work, I wouldn’t have to lie to step family about why I wasn’t driving up for visits.

Don’t get me wrong (please); I am sad that our world is going thru such a troubling, uncertain time. I pray daily for healing, compassion, and resources for those who need assistance. But the “stay at home” orders gave me permission, that I may not have otherwise given myself, to isolate and re-evaluate my life. Gave me time to realize who “has my back”, who doesn’t, and what I should do about it.

and that’s where my “challenges” arise. Up until last November, all my life decisions were influenced on another person. It’s both liberating and paralyzing to realize I can do what ever the fck I want.

Some days I know what I want with such certainty and start aligning with those wants. I’ve had a few days though that the fear of “is this what’s best for me” could peel paint off a wall! But it really isn’t the fear of “is this what’s best for me” as it is a fear of “will this lead me to him?”, will “he find me if I make this move?”

I’ve been divorced for five years now. I never imagined still being single at 50 and not finding love again. But my faith is wavering and I’ve become so comfortable being single. And I don’t know what to do or how to stay certain that my special person is looking for me, wondering where I am just as I am wondering that about him.

Staying Optimistic When All My Brain Wants to do is Look at How I Have Failed…

Keeping a positive mindset used to come so easily for me. I was once a fearless, fun, adventurous, happy gal…

…Then I met my ex husband and that changed for a while.

I am mindful that it takes two people to have a happy, fulfilling marriage. Three if you put God at the center of your marriage.  I rarely speak ill of my ex-husband because he isn’t a bad guy; he was just bad for me.

The man I fell in love with appeared to enjoy (and appreciate) my presence in his life, he seemed to be financially intelligent, a hard worker, and loved his mom. I ignored red flags that would pop up (or make excuses for them) and focused on the outward appearances.

SHOCKER-Some of those appearances were just that; appearances. By the time I asked for a divorce I was sad, fearful, anxious, and felt like a failure (to name a few).

I’ve come so far in the last three years.  I’ve found some confidence, I’ve rediscovered my playfulness, I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally, and I am finding that everything I want I can have. I’m am very happy with my life and grateful for the abundance of all I have.

But three years later I am still guarded with my happiness, fearful, anxious, and feel like a failure as it pertains to relationships.  Communication is one area in my life I need to work on but when I am around men, potential dates, I clam up.  I feel like what I have to say isn’t important and it doesn’t help that small talk is not my forte.  My biggest hurdle as it pertains to relationships is that I have little faith that someone can (and will) love and appreciate me for who I am.

I don’t know how to release these fears.  It seems so much easier to live in my own little world and avoid dating. But living this way can sometimes feel lonely.

I’ve tried speed dating and an online dating site.  Seems so unnatural and like I am trying to force a connection for the most part.  Attempting to be myself while engaging another in a conversation. Attempting to find common interests while holding on to my individuality.  So much more challenging now in my late 40’s.

I wish I could just put wanting a companion out of my mind and completely appreciate where I am in life.  Continue to explore life and all the opportunities available to me. When wanting hits I try to stay optimistic. I remind myself the that there is someone for everyone and that my time will come. And that he will be as grateful as I that we found each other.

 

Dating after 13 years

Oh so awkward. First date in almost 13 years and remembering how much you hated dating back then. But here you are, trying to be on “good behavior” but also be yourself. You know how you are. You know how you think and feel. You know that you can be over analytical and extremely critical. You know how impactful 1st impressions are and the need to keep it light. Trying not to divulge too much information you look for that chemistry; look for a “spark”. You don’t feel anything but don’t know how long to give before walking away saying “See ya later, catch ya on the flip side!”?

Then it hits you. Are you really ready for this? You’ve been single for ten months and felt you used that time wisely to “heal”, to “get in touch with you and what you want” not just from a mate but from life. Suddenly it feels like you are forcing yourself into the dating world. Why? Are you sincerely ready to open yourself up to a stranger in hopes of making a lasting connection? Your brain doesn’t stop and suddenly you’ve cancelled that second date offer. He seems like a nice guy, like he has all his ducks in a row and has a lot to offer a gal. But you can’t let go of your life preserver; you can’t let go of the side of the pool.

When is it the right time to start dating after a divorce/break up? How do you know if you’re ready or not? Why doesn’t it feel right after ten months of soul searching and self improvement?

I give myself kudos for trying AND recognizing that I’m not ready to get back in the pool for a swim. But my heart hurts. At my time that has passed alone; At my time spent in a lonely roommate like marriage: At the knowledge that my ex had absolutely no problems jumping back into the swimming pool after our failed marriage and has already moving in with his “new woman”.

In hopes of helping myself feel more at peace, I remind myself that he is accountable for his life and I am accountable for my life. I know where my faults lie and what I must work at to be a better person for this world (and hopefully a better woman for a future spouse). But I still struggle letting go of the knowledge that he will NEVER acknowledge his part in our failed marriage. I will never get an apology for the lies and secrets. Once again I am left holding the bag of blame and fault.

But that’s ok. Holding it is helping me become a stronger woman and more determined to make better choices for my life.