Staying Optimistic When All My Brain Wants to do is Look at How I Have Failed…

Keeping a positive mindset used to come so easily for me. I was once a fearless, fun, adventurous, happy gal…

…Then I met my ex husband and that changed for a while.

I am mindful that it takes two people to have a happy, fulfilling marriage. Three if you put God at the center of your marriage.  I rarely speak ill of my ex-husband because he isn’t a bad guy; he was just bad for me.

The man I fell in love with appeared to enjoy (and appreciate) my presence in his life, he seemed to be financially intelligent, a hard worker, and loved his mom. I ignored red flags that would pop up (or make excuses for them) and focused on the outward appearances.

SHOCKER-Some of those appearances were just that; appearances. By the time I asked for a divorce I was sad, fearful, anxious, and felt like a failure (to name a few).

I’ve come so far in the last three years.  I’ve found some confidence, I’ve rediscovered my playfulness, I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally, and I am finding that everything I want I can have. I’m am very happy with my life and grateful for the abundance of all I have.

But three years later I am still guarded with my happiness, fearful, anxious, and feel like a failure as it pertains to relationships.  Communication is one area in my life I need to work on but when I am around men, potential dates, I clam up.  I feel like what I have to say isn’t important and it doesn’t help that small talk is not my forte.  My biggest hurdle as it pertains to relationships is that I have little faith that someone can (and will) love and appreciate me for who I am.

I don’t know how to release these fears.  It seems so much easier to live in my own little world and avoid dating. But living this way can sometimes feel lonely.

I’ve tried speed dating and an online dating site.  Seems so unnatural and like I am trying to force a connection for the most part.  Attempting to be myself while engaging another in a conversation. Attempting to find common interests while holding on to my individuality.  So much more challenging now in my late 40’s.

I wish I could just put wanting a companion out of my mind and completely appreciate where I am in life.  Continue to explore life and all the opportunities available to me. When wanting hits I try to stay optimistic. I remind myself the that there is someone for everyone and that my time will come. And that he will be as grateful as I that we found each other.

 

This Weeks New Adventure-Online Dating

I won’t lie. I’m enjoying single life. I’m able to do so many activities that I enjoy, without feeling guilty because I am not spending enough time “doting” on my “significant” other. I can go to bed when I please, get up when I please, come and go as I please. I can be alone or I can hang out with family/friends. I could work on any home project I wanted without having an argument or lounge around watching Hulu. I’ve been able to focus on me, focus on learning what makes me tick (aka Happy) and more importantly, realize “triggers” (i.e. negative emotions) that creep up and have a tendency to send me into a “tizzy”. 

While alone time is great and I thoroughly enjoy my company it dawned on me that I might be spending too much time alone. I was getting restless and my faith for an amazing future started to shake. When someone spends too much time alone they find themselves feeling isolated, grouchy, defeated. Depression feeds off of those feelings. I’ve been down that road before but because I was paying attention to my “triggers” I concluded that adult conversation was essential for me to continue forward on my path.  

Two weeks ago I was looking at options to “move out of my comfort zone” and meet folks. If you remember from last weeks post, I trolled the Internet for options. I found several options and have already tried speed dating and signed up for eHarmony. While the speed dating was fun; I left with no matches. Now on to eHarmony. 

EHarmony allows folks to troll their website for prospective suitors. Folks from all walks of life, from all over the world. Sadly I am not overly impressed with the options but there are options. It amazes me how little information some folks share. The site is supposed to allow us to get the basics out of the way so that we have a good starting point if we choose to meet offline. My feelings on it is if you can’t provide the amount of information the site asks you to provide (likes, dislikes, honest in depth answers to thought provoking questions) I’m going to use the “hide” button on you. Let’s use our time wisely folks!!

I have been conversing with a couple guys on the site; answering the multiple choice questions, makes or breaks for a relationship, and thought provoking, in depth questions. Right now, one guy stands out better than the others. We recently swapped numbers and have agreed to meet for coffee during the day (date to be determined). I AM looking forward to the meeting (we seems pretty compatible) but slightly nervous. I’ve not dated in almost 13 years and wasn’t very good at dating way back when. Why? Because I was never fully confident in who I was and trust was really hard for me.

I am a work in progress. My confidence is building, I am getting stronger emotionally, mentally every day. I know that none of us are perfect and that we are all insecure about one thing or another. We are equals; we put our pants on the same way.

So, how to prepare for this day time meeting and avoid repeating past mistakes. I know that I will need to be strong, confident, and sensible. I will text a friend information regarding the when/where of the date (come on folks, it’s 2016 and us single folks need to be smart when meeting strangers). I know that I will need to have faith that the information he has already provide is truthful and not pass judgement for being different. But how do I keep my nerves from getting the best of me? How will I keep my “voice” and push my fear of “judgement” aside to just enjoy the moment?  

Oh, and I love it when folks say “just relax and be yourself”. Seriously, if it were that easy I wouldn’t be sitting here writing about dating over 40.

Yes, I will have my cake and eat it too!!

I am so not going to lie. I ate tons of junk today. I had watermelon, chocolate chip bagel with cream cheese, cheesecake, veggies, Pappys (pulled pork), applesause, cheesecake, captain d’s fish (w/corn and mac n cheese), and a huge piece of birthday cake. Oh and a regular soda because the diet soda spout was on the fritz. I ate so much by mid day that I thought I was going to throw up (before noon I had had everything up to the applesauce plus coffee and water). I’ve not eaten this much in I don’t know how long. I kept saying “I can’t just waste it…besides it’s my BIRTHDAY!!” I can only imagine how many calories I’ve consumed (and will continue to consume until the cake is gone). I shouldn’t have consumed so much and I can give you all sorts of reasons/excuses as to why I did.

Tim says I should take the cake in and share with work but I don’t want to. It’s MY CAKE; why should I share?? It’s chocolate with whipped icing. And my hubby got it for me. I wonder how I got so lucky (mainly with him). I’ve never been a “lucky” person. Blessed yes, lucky no.

I had such a wonderful day and I’m glad to be forty.